Eight reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships

30 November 2022

The World Health Organisation (WHO) predicts that 1 out of 3 women have experienced physical or sexual violence while 1 in 10 men have experienced rape, physical violence and/or stalking by an intimate partner.

Globally between 70% and 90% of victims, know their offender.

This figure includes South Africa. Police Minister Bheki Cele announced that out of the 9 516 rapes reported between April and June 2022, 3 780 rapes took place in either the homes of the rapist or victim, while 1 546 people were raped in public places, including streets and parks. This means that the majority of rape survivors know their rapists. They have had their trust broken in their homes, communities or workplace.

Jason B. Whiting, a Professor in the United States and author of the book, Love me True: Overcoming the Surprising Ways We Deceive in Relationships, and a group of gender-based violence (GBV) researchers collected information from victims globally to understand why they stay in these relationships.

These are the eight main reasons:

1. Distorted Thoughts: Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and this leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt.
2. Damaged Self-Worth: Damage to the self-worth as result of degrading treatment. Many women felt beaten down and of no value, saying: “He made me believe I was worthless and alone,” and, “I felt I had done something wrong and I deserved it.”
3. Fear: The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous. One woman felt trapped because of her husband’s threats of “hunting me down and harming all my loved ones, including our kids, while I watched and then killing me.”
4. Wanting to be a Saviour: Many described a desire to help, or love their partners with the hopes that they could change them. Others described internal values or commitments to the marriage or partner to show loyalty. Others had pity and put their partner’s needs above their own: “His father died, he became an alcoholic and he needed me to make him better.”
5. Children: Victims put their children first, sacrificing their own safety: “I stayed for 20 years to protect our children while I was being abused.” Others stay to benefit the children financially or emotionally, not to deprive them of the partner.
6. Family Expectations and Experiences: Many victims recall childhood experiences with GBV that distorted their sense of self or of healthy relationships: “I watched my dad beat my mom. Then I found someone just like dad.” Some of the victims also suffered pressure from their relatives and religion or churches.
7. Financial Constraints: Many victims stay because of financial limitations, mostly often connected to caring for children. Others were unable to keep jobs because of the abuser’s control or their injuries, and others were used financially by their abuser.
8. Isolation: A common tactic of manipulative partners is to separate their victim from family and friends. Sometimes this is physical, other times isolation is emotional, as one woman was told: “You can either have friends and family or you can have me.”

Although these eight reasons for staying are common, they do not describe every victim and situation.

#MISACARES #MISAONTHEMOVE